a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
