What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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