I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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