I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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