Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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