Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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