i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
