Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
