why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
