I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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