he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
