And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
