Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
