i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
