Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
