Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
