I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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