He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
