apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
