Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
