i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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