Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
