hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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