So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
