I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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