so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
