I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
