Tell her she can't have a vagina
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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