the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My ATM looks so different sober.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
