we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
