You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
