Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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