he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
