well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
