We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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