she woke up with a sticky ear
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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