bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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