So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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