you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
