When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im holly from the hills drunk
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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