tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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