I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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