i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
