his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
