Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
