The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
