lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
