It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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