I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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