the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
