You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
