That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
