You smell like stripper and shame
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
