Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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